Trusting Ripples

So, I just wanted to say a little something about trust.  Of course, we adoptees have great issues with trust and intimacy which are so connected to abandonment and rejection.  It’s such a fluid movement back and forth, sometimes it’s difficult to separate them.

TRUST: reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, of a person or thing; confidence

Trust is a fragile gift, easy to break, easy to lose and one of the hardest things to get back.  Why then, is it so casually tossed about?

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In an adoptees world trust is a huge issue.  In the words of Nancy Verrier, “its difficult to face the fact that by definition every adopted child is an abandoned child, who has suffered a devastating loss.”

This usually happens so early, in fact, can begin in utero that there may not be a conscious memory of it, but guaranteed it resurfaces like a dragon as soon as one detects betrayal of any kind.  In a flash, we may feel intensely sad or angry not realizing the root of it all.  Any situation where you feel that you have been abandoned may trigger this..and quickly and there goes the trust.

Adoptees also have this innate sensitivity and are able to detect deception or game playing faster than anyone I know.   I’m not writing about anyone, I’m writing about when the trust has been broken..what then.  A situation occurred that shattered…for an instant…a trusting atmosphere.  The reaction was swift and to the point.

This was going to be just a video but the sentences keep rolling so I’ll just go with it.  As a Ripple myself…watching other ripples become distraught I was thinking about how we can deal with these unfortunately frequent events in our lives where we feel the trust has been broken.

I think the first step is, recognizing our long-held belief systems and to begin taking back our power.  Checking in with ourselves about what is reality and what is a belief that needs to be challenged.   You know the big one…I was unwanted, therefore I am unworthy.  Time to take responsibility for the direction we are going and how we want to feel.  I, no longer feel like a victim.  I have dug so deep my nail beds were bleeding to haul out the roots of such grief and loss.

Ultimately, it all points back to us.  To everyone, to be our own best friend, to be the one we know we can trust.  To know that..we can love ourselves and that we are indeed worthy.

So in the midst of the Trust Storm that was rocking the boat last night I was happy to see…..

 ripples coming together as one, connected and still maintaining trust.  Perfect storm, perfect ripples to practice with.

Not Giving Up/In…to Illness

Honestly, I don’t know where to start.

I suppose when that happens, one should start at the beginning. Mast Cell Disease, Finding Heart Horse and book signing or  adoption thoughts. As I sat staring at the keyboard I realized in fact they are all connected, all intertwined in a tangled web inside my body creating havoc at different times.

Perhaps, I’ll do them individually starting with now, right this moment and where my body is physically.

I arrived home from an eleven day trip to Ontario last saturday. Arrived at 11;30pm, was in ER by midnight. The first part of the trip was a book signing with Hay House I Can Do It Conference in Toronto for Finding Heart Horse.  Exciting..yes, absolutely!  I prepared for weeks before-hand, drinking hemp smoothies, resting, taking extra meds pre flight.  I wore my support hose!  I drank litres of water the day before.  I meditated, felt organized and confident that I could do this.  I’ve flown to India for heavens sake…Toronto would be nothing!  My first wake up call came shortly after being in the air for a while.  Planes are acclimatized to 7000ft, usually not a problem for me.  This time, however, I started feeling drowsy, unsteady on my feet, headache, almost nodding off a few times.  Low O2 saturation!  Of course!  If my saturation is low to begin with they drop several points in flight.  Wake up call!

I discovered, I still have a lot to learn in “how to be sick” and live life at the same time.  I’ve always pushed through, gotten things done even if I felt like I was on my last legs and here, this time, I thought I did everything right.

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“There is sickness here, but I am not sick.”

“Of course! There is sickness in the body, but am not sick.!”

Toni Bernhard

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I have repeated those lines many times and contemplated the “I” part.  As a Buddhist, the teachings show “anatta” or “no fixed and unchanging self” so who is the that isn’t sick?  In Toni Bernhards book, How to Be Sick she quotes from a wonderful book that I have read by Joseph Goldstien and Jack Kornfield called Seeking the Heart of Wisdom:

Just as we condition our bodies in different ways through exercise or lack of it, so we condition our minds.  Every mind state, thought, or emotion that we experience repeatedly becomes stronger and more habituated.  Who we are as personalities is a collection of all the tendencies of mind that have developed, the particular energy configurations we have cultivated.

 I was wondering where  went wrong in my planning as I became quite ill I reminded myself that  is nothing more than a thought, or feeling held  so tightly that we believe it to be real.  We are temporary beings, made up of moments that come and go, parts put together and taken down and sometimes, we just don’t have control over what we think we do.

 The above picture was after a night/day spent in the ER with anaphylaxis.  I knew it was coming, could feel the buildup, yet couldn’t stop it.  It took a tremendous amount of medications to stop the process and allow me to breathe.  All done in the trauma room with people grabbing “parts” and starting IV’s, asking questions, taking X-ray’s, talking to each other.  I wanted to scream..wait!! I’m a nurse!  I’m not a patient!  Wait…this isn’t who really am!  But, in the moment it just was….  I was the patient..my body was sick.

Becoming okay, accepting that everything changes whether you like it or not is freeing.  Our lives go up and down, our thoughts come and go, our good days and bad days do the same, sometimes influenced by what we do and sometimes not.

Having an “invisible Illness” is more than a challenge.  Comments are made, judgments rendered if people can’t “see” the inside destruction that is happening.  To stay in a place where you don’t take these things personally is a lesson in itself.

I have Systemic Mast Cell Disease, Dysautonomia, 3rd stage kidney disease and Lung Disease requiring a bronchoscopy.  To the onlooker..on a good day, I look fine.  You don’t see the symptoms in the diagram.  I refuse to give in to the many labels and will continue to live my life as I have, perhaps differently each day, certainly with more awareness, but I will continue.  I refuse to be a victim whether it be from adoption, abuse, rape, and now illness, all of which, I might add…fit together and are part of…

” When we settle into the present moment, we can see beauties and wonders right before our eyes-a new-born baby, the sun rising in the sky.”

Thich Nhat Hanh

By healing our minds and living in the present moment we can not only survive, but thrive.  Even in excruciating pain which is prevalent in mastocytosis, one can ride it like a wave while not berating yourself with the tapes of the old days.  You know the ones..I shouldn’t have overdone it yesterday…I’m afraid the pain will never go away…and many more personal ..should halves, would haves.  If you can just recognize as you wander into those old tapes and bring yourself back to the present moment with a simple word..you will see change.  Focus on your breath..you have to be in the moment to do that.  Meditate, eat well, stay away from stress, be kind and gentle with your body allowing it to rest when it requests…all these help.

 Together we will teach.  Together we will learn.  Together we will find support.  Together we will be okay.

We can do this.

Forgive! Are you Crazy?

When we forgive, we set a prisoner free and discover

that the prisoner we set free is us.”

Lewis Smedes

The prompting for this post was a discussion of sorts on my friend’s blog. http://www.morningpageswriter.wordpress.com  Monsters of Our Childhood … last evening.  I can’t remember all the comments but it was about finding forgiveness for those that have abused us in horrible ways as children or adults.

I never even thought about forgiving the people who had abused me, raped me, given me away, caused me pain…the list is endless.  I was so filled with pain and disbelief in human nature that when someone said to me, “Someday, you will need to forgive them and move on,” I wanted to shoving their words down their throat.  How could I possible forgive.  I was handed over at birth with no name, no thought, no love.  Handed over to live in a nursery probably not even held for who knows how long and then fostered by a middle-aged couple for two years as they waited for a boy, which was what they wanted.  If a boy became available I would be “sent back”.  They finally settled.  She, not wanting children at all and he, wanting a boy to fish and hunt with.

They settled and I paid the price.

Forgive!  Are you crazy?  I’m given away only to be abused by strangers who didn’t want me in the first place.

Raped and nearly beaten to death, not once, but several times and you want me to forgive?

I could go on and on with the specifics which, now are just that…specifics.  It doesn’t matter how much has been done to me, with me, around me anymore.  I set out on a journey to heal and to heal I knew I would have to forgive and let go of the past.  I know the exact moment it began.

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The word is where we all get stuck, especially if you were indoctrinated as many of us were in religions where everything was our fault since we were born sinners anyway and meant to spend the rest of our lives atoning for our sins.  We were taught/brainwashed to believe that we deserved everything we got or at least I was.

If I fell and scraped my knee, I deserved it.  If I spent a night licking my wounds from words and hand mirrors, it was because i deserved it.

 Of course, then when I was first raped at 16, in my head I could hear her words, “Well, look what you were wearing, you are a child of Satan.  What do you expect.”

 When I was critically ill in the hospital at 17, I could smell her breath as she leaned over droplets of spit landing on my face and said, “Go ahead and die.  You weren’t meant to be born anyway.  You don’t deserve to be here.  You are dead to us.”

Forgive?  You want ME to FORGIVE?

I wish someone had said to me years ago, “You don’t have to forgive.  Forgiveness is for them.  Letting go is for you.  When you’ve expressed enough anger, enough sadness, enough fear, then you’ll be ready to think about letting go.”

If you remember nothing else, remember that.

The truth is that yes, forgiveness sets you free and yes, I did forgive and have compassion for her now.

Forgiveness is a form of realism.  It doesn’t deny, minimize or justify what others have done to us nor the pain we have suffered because of it.  What it does is encourage us to look squarely at those old wounds and see them for what they are.  It allows us to see just how much energy we have wasted and how we have damaged ourselves by not forgiving.

Forgiveness is an internal process.  There is no forcing it and it sure doesn’t come easy no matter what you call it.  What it does do, is bring a great feeling of wellness and freedom.

Forgiveness/letting go means we no longer identify ourselves by our past injuries and injustices.  We are no longer Victims.  We can claim that right to stop hurting when we say we are tired of the pain and want to heal.  At that moment, forgiveness/letting go becomes a possibility.  We no longer want to punish those who hurt us, the pain from the past will no longer dictate how we live in the present, nor will it dictate our future.

Part of the healing is finding our own voices, speaking our truth, being vulnerable and courageous and writing blogs and books, speaking out loud our long-held secrets.  Dig through this layer and you will rescue your heart.

 This will be one of the most difficult parts of our journey only because our Ego doesn’t want to let go of the power that comes from being wronged.

Read that one again and again…

As long as we feel hurt and damaged we give ourselves the right to blame and judge.  We are the Victims.  Ego can point the finger and feel a certain power.  The Ego has to be put on the shelf for this one.  Forgiveness is an act of compassion but it doesn’t mean we forget.  It just means that there’s no longer an emotional charge from remembering.  It’s a gift to yourself.

You are worth having such a gift