Setting Heart Horse Free

ImageSitting on my table for the last few days has been the story of life until age 20.

I’ve held it, opened it, moved it around, read a line or two, shed a tear or two and felt very vulnerable.

I’m finally, after 8 years of writing, setting the first part of this journey free.  Into the world Heart Horse goes, and I’m ready.  Bring it on.

Bring on whatever you have to say, in fact, I really want to hear it.

I want you to convince me adoption doesn’t have ramifications.

I want you to convince me abuse doesn’t leave scars.

I want you to convince me that the Primal Wound and  In Utero Learning doesn’t exist and create a lifetime of ingrained belief systems that make it so difficult to know and feel loved.

 I would love to know that all those things mean nothing and the slate will be wiped clean with a bit of therapy.  I know better.  The damage is done.  The scars are deep and the pain unrelenting, affecting everyone around us.  All we can do is learn to “manage” these beliefs.

Brene’ Brown’s interview with Elizabeth Gilbert was inspiring.

 Elizabeth said, “I live a creative life, and you can’t be creative without being vulnerable.

 I believe that Creativity and Fear are basically conjoined twins;  they share all the same major organs, and cannot be separated, one from the other, without killing them both.  And you don’t want to murder Creativity just to destroy Fear.”

FINDING HEART HORSE is my journey of search and survival.  There are things in  Finding Heart Horse that will make you squirm in distaste and repulsion.  There are horrors described by a 16 year old that no one should ever endure.  The raw life of living on the streets in the late 60’s when drugs and peace were the norm.  Unfortunately it quickly turned into wars and violence that spilled into my world.

 Looking back I now see that my entire life has been spent in the never-ending search.

The search for where I belonged.

The search for acceptance and love.  The search for my tribe, my family, my roots.

The only thing that kept me alive was “Heart Horse” and the dream of someday catching a wild horse.  Without him, i wouldn’t be here to write.

It’s only one part of the journey.  The Wall of Secrets will be out soon and is part of “the all”.  Without The Wall filled with drawers to store my many traumas and secrets, I would not have survived.

As I hold my book and feel it’s energy…..books do have energy you know…a sense of peace, a vibration of knowing and acceptance radiates from the pages.  As Heart Horse  is being set free, so am I.

Mark Epstein in his book “The Trauma of Everyday Life” says;

By not fighting with his internal wounds, by not insisting on making them go away,

by not recruiting everyone in his intimate life to save him from his feelings of abandonment,

by simply resting with them the way we do in meditation, he could learn,

as the Buddha did, that he already was the love he thought he lacked.”

FINDING HEART HORSE is now available on Amazon, Chapters.Indigo

It will be a brave journey you take when you enter my world.  Please leave and honest review.

Learn what adoption does to a person, what abuse creates and together we can and will make a change.

A portion of the proceeds from these books will go to Covenant House, Vancouver

Image

FINDING HEART HORSE-MEMOIR OF SURVIVAL

Image

These are parts of my journey of survival….

As yesterdays post was about my emotions that surfaced when told I couldn’t use certain pictures or certain graphics describing a rape at age 16…I felt I should at least put something under the Books tab!

Seven  years in the writing of this memoir and another called The Wall of Secrets (released after Finding Heart Horse) have taken me to depths I could not have imagined,  Depths of my soul so dark and painful they had been hidden away in my Wall of Secrets for five decades.  

As I began the journey of transformative writing, the layers were peeled back, one by one, each one requiring time, solitude, meditation, contemplation, grieving and finally acceptance of all that never was, all that had happened to me (for me) and where I was now.

There was always the knowing, that a book lived inside of me, but I had no ending.  I’m still not sure if you ever find “the end”, probably not.  What I did find was the reason, the symbolism of my Heart Horse and that in itself became an end and a new beginning.

Have you ever wanted something so badly it was all you could think of?  All you could talk about, write about, dream about.  I did.  I wanted a horse.

Finding Heart Horse is my journey, my search for my Heart Horse.

Image

Yorkville, Toronto 1967
Photo courtesy of Vintage Toronto/Frank Denardo

It takes me from being “The girl most likely to succeed” to a life on the streets of Yorkville, Toronto in the late 60’s.

As an adopted child I had no identity, no history, no place where I “fit”.  My years on the streets led me into many dark places where I begin to add more secrets and traumas to my already large collection.

Always, in the back of my mind, Finding Heart Horse lives.  My uncle told me a story when I was little about finding a wild horse and being able to keep him, if I could catch him.  That dream, kept me alive in the days of Hell that unfold during my search for self.

Image

Globe and Mail article/ Frank Denardo

Life changed quickly in those days.  From Peace and Love to War and Violence. I went along for the ride not knowing where it would lead, just that I had to find Heart Horse.

We all have different journeys on this earth but the essence is the same.  We all want to belong, to be loved, to be wanted and to be happy.

In this memoir many life lessons are learned, spirituality discovered and the reality of opposites is proven.  Without experiencing pain we have no peace.  Within despair you find hope.  On the other side of sadness comes joy.

Haven’t we all wanted for something so powerful, so magnetic, so magical you couldn’t resist it’s pull?  Even not knowing what you will find at the end you knew you must follow the journey in order to live.

Image

HEART OF HEARTS

Perhaps, you may even find your very own Heart Horse.