Being an Open Book

 

ImageI must have read this brilliant and reassuring saying hundreds of times during the past  seven years of writing these two memoirs.  At my most vulnerable times it kept me going, it kept me honest and open with my words.

I have several books that have been with my during this journey of self discovery.  One of them is The Right to Write by Julia Cameron.  My daughter gave it to me way before I felt I could tell or write even a sentence or two.  Just the title alone brings reassurance that yes….you have a right to tell your story.  

For so many people that have experienced trauma of any kind it so painful to bring it to light, never mind sharing it with others who may not understand.  It is however the most important thing you will ever do.

Knowing there are others who share in your journey is the very healing you need.  Writing it on paper takes it out of your body and allows you freedom to just “be”.

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Blocked Emotions

The truth about childhood is stored up in our bodies and lives in the depths of our souls.  Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings can be numbed and manipulated, our perceptions shamed and confused, our bodies tricked with medication, but our soul never forgets.  And because we are one, one whole soul in one body, someday our body will present its bill.  The wounded and lost child is only in hiding:  the soul is still whole in spirit.  Ultimately, our deepest self will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting or contaminating us until we stop  evading the truth.”Alice Miller

Finding Heart Horse and The Wall of Secrets have been for me, the catalyst for self healing.  By being an open book, by being vulnerable and examining the stages of my life as an adoptee searching for a place in this world through writing, has led me to a place of peace and wholeness of self despite the trauma’s and abuse endured.

There were times in writing and in living I was curled up in fetal position with howls coming from a place I didn’t know existed.  A deep guttural place of a wounded animal screaming in pain.  The years before reunion I was that little girl above.  You would never guess it on the outside, although my daughter tells me I always looked sad and an old friend wrote a song about my sad eyes.  Yes, that typical adoptee aura that people can’t quite put their finger on was with me always.

I’m nervous that once the books are out and read, I will be judged and yet a stronger part of me feels it’s important to be free, be an open book, with hopes that someone will know they too, can survive.  That over rules any fear of judgement.  Those who judge won’t be in my life anyway and usually when judgment occurs it’s because of one’s own fears and doubts and it certainly doesn’t come from a place of love and understanding.

Julia Cameron says it’s human nature to write and that it claims our world making it specifically our own.  She also says we should write because humans are spiritual beings and writing is a powerful form of mediation and prayer and it connects us to our insights and the deeper level of inner soul guidance.  I believe that to be true.

Seven years ago I wouldn’t have called myself a writer or even a story teller.  Now I am both.  Don’t let fear get in the way of you telling your story.  Begin Now.

 

3 thoughts on “Being an Open Book

  1. Thanks for this post, Claire. It helps me to know that memoir writers share a vulnerability, and that with the support of one another–especially if we don’t have it from other sources–we can risk being an open book. I look forward to reading your books!

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