No matter what I sit down to write it all goes back to that Primal Wound. I know that adoptee’s don’t own exclusive rights to “feelings” of any kind or beliefs, or thoughts. Everyone experiences these things to different degree’s. There is something so deeply ingrained within an adoptee’s psyche that until you peel back the layers and are willing to do the dirty work you will never understand why you do the things you do.
I have spent many years peeling back the layers. Like an onion, there have been many. As I mentioned in a previous post it takes 21 days to change a habit, maybe longer if it is one that is so deeply ingrained we don’t even recognize at the time where it is coming from.
Today’s self love challenge turned out to be something other than I had intended. I’m flexible, and as I began to realize the error of my ways I decided to once again challenge myself.
Growth is all about challenging the self we are comfortable with, the old habits, the old thoughts. All old..and although I have been deliberately challenging myself these last few years I’m down to the core now. That’s a deep, dark place that wants to hang on to the old beliefs. It’s comfortable down there. Nobody knows about you, thinks about you, cares about you. The thing is, if you want to grow and be free of the old restrains you have to dig around in that dirt and pull out the diamonds and shine them up.
i have been doing this for some time, and actually have found some shiny things down there. Imagine that! By shiny things I mean the dirty ol’ tapes and beliefs about me that not only came attached from birth but from a life of abuse and neglect which just reinforced what was already there. I want to shine. I want to feel joy and pleasure that I know intellectually. I want to feel it in my heart and soul and to do that…well, ya gotta go deep.
It is my journey to dig in the dirt. Maybe I was a gardner or miner in my past life. My plan is to do as much digging as I can now so I don’t have to do it again when I return.
We are all born with a buddha spirit, or a core of goodness and perfection with a side dish of self worth. Well, some of us are. They have proven now that a babe in utero actually feels and learns energetically from its mother. If the mother is stressed and the babe not wanted, it knows it before it even enters this world. If the babe is loved and cared for and anxiously awaited that too is transmitted. Okay, so an adopted person then is one that is not wanted for whatever reason. Energetically that passes to the babe for 9 months and then when you do take your first breath that is taken too. The umbilical cord is cut and your mother disappears. Even if she didn’t want you there still was a connection energetically and the Primal Wound has now occurred.
Some may not believe in energy. If you are a non believer do some research. We are nothing but energy, our thoughts, our bodies, our surroundings, all energy running at different frequencies/speeds.
If you sit in a Monastery the energy is palpable, penetrating and wonderfully warm and all encompassing. If you sit in a bus station, it too has energy of a different kind. Chaotic, cold and impatient. You can feel both and I know which one I choose. That’s why I want to shine up my own diamonds so I can be in total chaos and yet be peaceful and centred. So dig in the dirt I will.
I always, from a very young age considered myself independent. I would imagine that was because I had to look after myself. This independence followed me throughout the years becoming stronger and more tightly woven in it’s rational. I didn’t need anybody, I never asked for help. I survived on my own and was sure I could survive anything without assistance. I was rather proud of that fact.
What’s the saying, “No man is an Island”? Yeah..sure…not in my world. In my world you can’t trust anyone. They always leave, or hurt you. You can’t depend on them to be there when needed. I mean, come on….If your own Mother didn’t want you, how could you be worthy of anything especially someones time or care, besides….I was good at being a survivor, of being a loner, of doing it myself.
What I was so proud of then, the independence turned out to be a lack of self worth. Plain and simple. How could I be worthy when in utero, i wasn’t wanted or loved and then given away.
The realization of this fact came in a rush of pain one day. To think that all those years I was proud of my independence and in reality all it was….was that i felt i wasn’t worthy. What did that mean then? What did that have to do with everyday life as i lived it. A lot, in fact, a huge part of life.
It’s been quite the process uncovering the layers of protection but as each one comes off I feel lighter, truer, more authentically the real me and I quite like it. I have a few friends that I can thank for seeing me through the learning curve. Small moments of kindness out of the blue bring me to tears and touch my heart in ways i never thought possible.
Small moments that most people take for granted and never give another thought, I sit and think and analyze and question and quite often cry. In my 6th decade I feel blessed to be digging deep and shining up my diamonds. Some never find them, while others never look.
I am worthy of receiving. I am open to breaking habits that don’t serve me well.
Cognitive Dissonance is what it’s called. A battle of the two worlds and the good guys are winning. Not without a lot of discomfort mind you. It’s warm and cozy to live in the world of old beliefs. I’m breaking free and shining my diamonds as I dig in the dirt.