So….bare with me as I figure out this blog thing. I can’t believe how many hours disappear into space, into nothingness as I read and try to process how to do this, how to do that. I haven’t figured much out considering the time spent.
Oops….That should read in a more positive light considering the challenge’s purpose.
Okay..I did pretty well then considering I’m technology challenged.
I need to find out how to write in real lines and not take up a whole page. This isn’t intentional,but for those of us with blurry or eyes that don’t work so well…it’s perfect. See! I’m getting the hang of the positive journey.
As I was playing around with word-press and it’s magical confusion I noticed in my line underneath the name of the blog, I didn’t include many things. Considering the first challenge was to recognize myself as a writer/author I hadn’t included that in my tagline. Of all the things to leave out, and there are many, I left out the one thing I was supposed to be recognizing. Strange isn’t it. Our conditioning, Our belief system. Our brains that work on automatic sometimes without notice. Retraining, getting rid of those old tapes is not an easy job. It is possible, that I know for fact. It just takes awareness and objectivity and the willingness to take a good look at our own patterns and belief systems.
Is it true? Really true? Why would it not be true?
When I think of something negative in my patterning I try to ask myself those questions. Coming from an adoption gone terribly wrong background, I have such deeply ingrained belief systems. All adoptee’s do, even from the “good life side”. The Primal Wound affects us all. I’m trying to avoid the adoption conversation for awhile but since it is who I am and who I am becoming I guess it’s unavoidable to bring the “word” up now and again.
We all know what perfection is and what it means when it’s expected in any kind of action. I was expected to be perfect in everything and nothing else was acceptable. Nothing. So in relation to my writing, of course the inner critic shoves his ugly voice into my head and grabbing with his grimy hands he yanks any positive thoughts loose and eats them for dinner.
Not having shared my writing with many people I have nothing to base being “good or bad” on. Those that I have shared short story’s with say they are good. Did I believe? No, of course not. How could they possible be good when I was programmed to believe I, Myself wasn’t worthy, wasn’t good enough to keep. Tell me how you can believe. I guess thats my challenge isn’t it?
To Believe. To Believe many things, not just that I can write. That’s a superficial layer of what’s really underneath.
In order to believe one must trust. Damn…another deep seated belief shattered by adoption.
I have to trust that Hay House was telling the truth! I have to believe that they thought my book was written well enough in an unedited version to award me 1st place.
Sounds ridiculous when I put it like that. That’s why I need to constantly ask myself for example, with Hay House…”Okay Claire. Why would Hay House give you a prize if it weren’t true?” That doesn’t make a lot of sense now does it?
So, in my mind Intellectually I get that it’s true but to Believe…..that’s a whole different layer. It all has to come back to me. Only I have control over those old tapes and beliefs and the ability to change them.
We have over 70,000 thoughts a day.
Each and Every thought is made up of energy. I truly believe that. Why would you want to be thinking negative thoughts if you knew how much power they have over you?
It’s practice, practice, practice….21 days it takes to form a habit..That’s all. or, to get rid of a habit and change it, you need 21 days to switch…Doesn’t seem like much does it. Well, lets see, I’ve been working on this for, lets say over 40 yrs and I’m just now really grabbing hold of the concept and hanging on for dear life.
You wil notice in my tagline it now reads author. I am a writer. To write my story in words on paper was a painful process but a healing one. My story is now on paper and I don’t have to carry it anymore.
Now, the challenge is vulnerability. Does it really matter who judges me now. I can honestly say no. I still feel vulnerable but thats ok. I am a writer and we all feel vulnerable putting ourselves out there. I am a writer publishing my first memoir. FINDING HEART HORSE. I am a writer.
“If you want to enter a state of grace,
Question the assumption you’re defending right now.” Byron Katie